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My Summer Home: North Carolina pt. 1

11:50 PM

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Advice From a Special Needs Sibling

11:34 PM

I was 13 when my parents got the call that a baby boy needed a temporary home. Always wanting a third younger sibling, I jumped at the chance of being able to take this baby boy in. I remember the day we picked him up like it was yesterday, my mom and I went and left my dad and two younger siblings waiting at home. I followed my mother into a white-washed room with a rocking chair and a couple scattered toys on the floor. I saw him wrapped in a receiving blanket, held by his biological mother. In that split-second that it took to lay my blue eyes on his big, beautiful, brown, ones my heart grew. I learned a lot about love that day. I learned that true love is selfless. Willing to give up everything, not in fear of rejection or separation.

As time went on visitations and revelations happened. My family soon learned that my foster brother wasn't a typical baby. Seasons changed and as he grew older my parents discovered, with the help of a couple dozen specialists, that this toddler's brain was different. And though not every "quirk" could be labeled by a textbook it was determined that he fell somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum.

As a fearless teen that thought that no harm could ever come to me or my loved ones, I was in denial for quite some time that Joshua was autistic. I claimed my parents were making it up, and he actually had behavior problems that could be fixed by the correct discipline and parenting. No one wants to believe that their family member has something "wrong" with them. That they aren't "normal".

We adopted Joshua after a few years of the crazy roller coaster that is foster care. He became my legal brother, even though he had always felt like my "real" brother. I didn't start loving him more the moment that piece of paper was signed. That day something did change though, a weight of worry was taken off my shoulders. The weight of worrying every single day that he would be put back in the situation where he came from. The nights of crying myself to sleep on tear-stained pillows over the fear of losing him were only bad memories now. I knew that my two other siblings felt the same way. We weren't afraid to love him anymore, even though we always loved him with our whole beings. True love is selfless.

Joshua has thrived with our family and I thank the Lord every day for him, but even though he carries our family's name he also still carries the brain abnormalities inherited from his biological parents. We've been through all the therapies and doctors appointments, the brain scans and the every test imaginable. My parents have given everything up to make sure that he has the best care possible. It all comes down to this...autism isn't curable. It isn't going away, he isn't going to out-grow it. It can't be disciplined out of him or not taught to him.

My brother is autistic. Yes, that means that he will have a more difficult time than most of us adapting to the "regular" world. Yes, that means that he and my family may have to do things unconventionally. Yes, that means that I have to use extreme patience with him every day. It also means having a brother that is incredibly bright. A brother who is intrigued by things that the rest of us take for granted. A brother that cares for people with an extreme love that I can't describe. This is a brother that I am proud of. True love doesn't look at abnormalities or fear of being loved back. True love is selfless.

Being a sibling to someone with special needs is challenging, to say the least. He's my first thought when I wake up and my last thought before I fall asleep. I dream about his future and pray that it will be spectacular and that he is able to enjoy the things that the rest of us don't appreciate as much as we should, such as friendships. I pray that he doesn't get made fun of for his special quirks and when he does I pray for myself, that I would have a level head. As a special needs sibling, there is nothing that makes me madder than someone making fun of my brother. Children are one thing, but adults are another. So here is some advice from an adult special needs sibling to adults that don't know what appropriate behavior is...

Don't judge my parents for their parenting style

You aren't his mom or dad and you have no earthly idea what it is like to wake up every day and pray that you are making the right choices for someone with special needs. You cannot punish the special needs behavior out of someone. You have no idea what a burden that is, so don't pretend like you do.

Don't give me or my family advice

Again, unless you have someone with special needs in your immediate family, don't give me your input.

Don't feel sorry for me

Do I wish that my brother didn't have autism? Yes, but I am not going to live every day wishing for something that is never going to happen. I love life and my brother so there is no need to feel sorry for me.

Don't talk about my family behind my back

Words get around and they hurt. Don't talk about my family and our choices behind my back. Period.

Don't talk about my brother as if being autistic is his only characteristic

My brother is a vibrant, loving, bright, musically talented little boy who loves dinosaurs. He is not merely a diagnosis.

The bottom line is, even if you don't understand autism don't be scared. If you have questions ask me or my family. We will be happy to give you more information about my brother's special needs. Thanks to all my friends that understand this and have taken the time to get to know Joshua on a deeper level, to those who have seen past the diagnosis and have found a very beautiful, playful little boy.

True love is selfless, and I am so thankful to be given the privilege of loving my little brother.

GRACE

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8:13 AM

Today, at 7:34pm to be exact, I will turn into a twenty-something. I no longer will be a able to identify with rebellious teens, but instead lost twenty-somethings that are trying to figure out life. I've sorta figured out the whole living on my own thing, but the adulting, let's be honest we can all use improvement in that area. It came to my realization this week while hanging out with my friends that are a tad older than me that life's about to get weird. Or maybe it's already weird and I just didn't know it. By weird I mean boring, and by boring I mean adult-like.

I found myself this past week at a mexican restaurant for one of my close friend's birthday dinner. And while we ate our queso and enchiladas there were discussions of meal prep as married people, health insurance, and the daily struggle of being "big kids" with "real jobs". I got home and felt like crying honestly because I know that in a year, two years, maybe three, I'll be there, and I'll be boring. It made me sad to think about that this season is coming to a close fast.

I called my mom (because what else do you do when you're sad?), and told her "I'm soon going to become boring and I want you to let me know when that happens so I can stop it." "I don't think I'll know", she said. "I think you won't either because to you all that stuff won't be boring, it will be your life." Again I wanted to cry because I knew she was right. As my life changes slowly into actual real life it will become "boring" to a younger generation, but that doesn't mean it will be boring to me.

Last night after a rough day at school, I was upset that I wasn't going to get to spend my birthday with my best friend because of a previous commitment. Not an hour after that my friend surprised me by coming to see me at BCM. Not only had she come to visit, she planned a surprise party with some of my closest friends. While eating sushi sitting a birthday dinner for myself I took a look around the table. These are my people. The people at that table, they are going to be the ones that go through everything with me, graduating college and my first "big kid" job. These are the people that will stand beside me on my wedding day and waiting in the hospital at 2am for the birth of my children. These are the people that are also going to become "boring" with me. One day we will be discussing retirement plans and grandchildren. I was filled with joy to know that life is changing, but that's okay because I get the privilege of doing life and being boring with the most amazing people I have ever met.

After our sushi "family dinner", my best friend and I went to Dairy Queen to grab some dessert. I noticed that she had a budget binder. I looked at her and said, "You know what this means? We're officially boring now." We both laughed because we knew it was true.