I think maybe I haven’t been real. I think perhaps I’ve only shown my highlights instead of the trenches where I’ve been this past year. I’ve blogged and posted about my move to North Carolina from Louisiana. I’ve talked about the Lord and all His many blessings, but I’ve failed to talk about all the in between. I’ve failed to mention the sleepless nights, the lonely days, and the mental exhaustion that comes with moving into unknown spaces.

I’ve had to learn a new culture. I’ve had to meet new people and attempt to make new friends. I’ve spent countless hours trying to find a church to call home. I’ve cried over not having a Christian community here. While this move has been one of the most exhilarating times in my life, it has also been the most trying.

I’ve prayed more over the past year than I have in my whole life up until this point. My Creator is the only constant in this season and being in communication and community with Him has been the only thing that keeps me going.

I’ve also cried more and been more aware of my mental state than I have ever been. I’ve learned that suppressing my feelings doesn’t accomplish anything and talking things through with trusted, Christian brothers and sisters can make a world of difference.



The good news in all of this is that our Creator is still on His throne. His goodness is never ending, and His promises are sure. Despite everything, He is still good.

Friends, lean into Him. When you feel like you don’t have community, He is your community. When you feel like you don’t have family, He is your father. He will always be enough. He will always supply your needs before you even know what you need.  

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.
- Arthur Bennett

Summer's over. My dorm hall is mostly vacant and the smell of bleach and the sounds of vacuums are taking over. Last night people were up late into the night crying and saying their last goodbyes. For most, college starts soon, for others a job back home is calling. As for me, I'm staying here.

I'm still trying to process all the events that have led to this moment. The tears and late night talks with Jesus that have gotten me to this point. I'm confident that this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm confident that his plan is better than anything I could ever dream up but that doesn't keep me from wondering where I go from here. Staying in North Carolina and taking this internship is one of the biggest life decisions that I've made over my short life thus far. I've never been able to identify with Peter in the boat more than now.

I was reading through some of my past blog posts over the last couple years and I was brought to tears when they reminded me of the Lord's goodness. I was reminded that I planned on moving here in Spring 2018 until all the doors shut. And now as I write this it's Summer 2018 and the Lord has said "now it's time." I'm learning that sometimes God's answer isn't "yes" or "no." Sometimes his answer is just "wait."

Until the next step, I'm resting in the overwhelming peace that he has covered me with. I'm resting in knowing that although my situations and circumstances may be ever changing he isn't.

In the fall I was supposed to move in with my best friend and start my first semester at the university in the social work program. Slowly and then all at once all of that was taken from me one way or another. My car blew up and all other plans fell through. I cried and every day I woke up asking God "what the heck are you doing?" I loved school and I wanted so badly to be able to have the best friend roomie experience. After finally getting to a point where I was comfortable and content at school and in my social life all of it was being taken away.

At the end of every year,  I think back on the things that have happened good and bad over the last 365 days. Every year is unique with its special mix of hills and valleys, but this year was way more eventful in so many ways.

Four months is a short time in the large picture of life, but to me, these past four months have been a growth spurt of sorts. It's like when you're little and you wake up one morning and all your clothes don't fit anymore. Your toes uncomfortably touch the end of your shoes, your pants are short enough to see your rainbow colored socks, and your shirts barely touch the top of your pants. These are the signs that you've physically grown taller, wider, stronger, and older. I feel like this short season I've awoken to something new, new struggles and hurdles, but I've also awakened to find new mental and spiritual growth.

I thought that the Lord was calling me to another state, another school, and another community. I was completely ready to drop everything, pack up the car, and run towards what He had in store. I was nervous but mainly excited to start fresh. I was ready to find a church to call my own, a community, friends, a "big kid" job, and figure out a new college and new professors. I was ready for it all. I was constantly planning my whole life around this huge move. The main reason I was so excited is that I wanted to "make a new life." I wanted to do something that was difficult.



The closer I got to the date of the move the more and more doors slammed shut. None of my college credits would transfer to the other schools I had been applying for, my job situation was iffy, and everything surrounding the move was very uneasy. I was so stressed; why if I was doing what the Lord wanted were all these doors shutting? I knew this was going to be difficult, but it was turning out to be impossible. It wasn't until I broke down crying in my car and hitting the steering wheel that I realized, I never wanted to do the hard thing at all, I wanted the easy way out. It's easy to move away from your family and friends and be forced to find community, a church, and a place of belonging. It's easy to start life with a clean slate. What's hard is starting a new life in a place you're already known. What's hard is branching out to find a new community and new friends when you are comfortable. Comfort is the problem.

Like when I was seven and I hit that growth spurt, I had to shed the old clothes and go buy new ones (or pull out my cousin's hand-me-downs from the top of my closet), I'm shedding and I've never felt better. The Lord has given me such a peace and He has opened so many doors just in this past week that I could've never imagined He would.


I went to visit one of my professors this past week just to catch her up to speed on the whirlwind my life has been lately, she said:

"A friend told me once whenever you're faced with a difficult decision and you are unsure of the Lord's will just follow the peace." 

She went on to tell me about how every time she has had to make a big decision she knows that she has done the right thing if she has an unexplainable peace. I know this to be true, but it was a nice reminder. I do feel a peace about staying in Louisiana for now. I see that there can be so much good that can come out of staying here. I also know that His plans are perfect. This season is growing pains and sometimes it hurts more than the physical ones when I was seven.

It's hard to be in another state away from your family and friends when tragedy strikes back home. You feel as though your hands are tied behind your back with no way possible to help your loved ones when they need you the most.

I screamed at God this past week. I took a day to be alone, by myself, my music, and my car. We drove the Blue Ridge Parkway up and down, pulling off at the most pristine panoramic mountain views. I had a picnic by myself. I sang Taylor Swift a little too loud. And after fighting it, I finally silenced the music and cried out. Countless things have been swirling around my head lately. I'm overwhelmed with it all. So I cried out to my Creator. I was honest about how angry I am, about my fears, my hopes, and with windblown hair and tear-stained eyes, I felt closer to Him than I have in a very long time. Through the silence He whispers, "I'm holding you. Cling to me."

A week has past and honestly no problem or trial in my life has improved; if anything I've gained a couple more or the ones I had have gotten progressively worse. Still He whispers, "I'm holding you. Cling to me."  Knowing Christ doesn't make my problems nonexistent, but He holds me through it all, and that makes all the difference.

 Unexpected work.
I went into this summer job not knowing too much about it. I knew I was going to be outside most of the day and that's honestly all that mattered. This job has turned out to be one of the, of not the best job I have ever had. I enjoy the team I work with and we all get along well. I never knew ziplining, rock wall climbing, and ropes course instructing could be this much fun.
 Unexpected lessons.
I've learned so many lessons about life just over these past one and a half weeks. I've learned how to be a better leader, a better listener, a better encourager, and I've learned more about totally embracing who I am as a person.


The Lord has been reminding me that my worth isn't found in my GPA, college degree, or any accomplishment, my worth is found in Him alone. In Christ alone, my hope and worth are found.

  

I was 13 when my parents got the call that a baby boy needed a temporary home. Always wanting a third younger sibling, I jumped at the chance of being able to take this baby boy in. I remember the day we picked him up like it was yesterday, my mom and I went and left my dad and two younger siblings waiting at home. I followed my mother into a white-washed room with a rocking chair and a couple scattered toys on the floor.  I saw him wrapped in a receiving blanket, held by his biological mother. In that split-second that it took to lay my blue eyes on his big, beautiful, brown, ones my heart grew. I learned a lot about love that day. I learned that true love is selfless. Willing to give up everything, not in fear of rejection or separation.

Today, at 7:34pm to be exact, I will turn into a twenty-something. I no longer will be a able to identify with rebellious teens, but instead lost twenty-somethings that are trying to figure out life. I've sorta figured out the whole living on my own thing, but the adulting, let's be honest we can all use improvement in that area. It came to my realization this week while hanging out with my friends that are a tad older than me that life's about to get weird. Or maybe it's already weird and I just didn't know it. By weird I mean boring, and by boring I mean adult-like.



I found myself this past week at a mexican restaurant for one of my close friend's birthday dinner. And while we ate our queso and enchiladas there were discussions of meal prep as married people, health insurance, and the daily struggle of being "big kids" with "real jobs". I got home and felt like crying honestly because I know that in a year, two years, maybe three, I'll be there, and I'll be boring. It made me sad to think about that this season is coming to a close fast.

I called my mom (because what else do you do when you're sad?), and told her "I'm soon going to become boring and I want you to let me know when that happens so I can stop it." "I don't think I'll know", she said. "I think you won't either because to you all that stuff won't be boring, it will be your life." Again I wanted to cry because I knew she was right. As my life changes slowly into actual real life it will become "boring" to a younger generation, but that doesn't mean it will be boring to me.

Last night after a rough day at school, I was upset that I wasn't going to get to spend my birthday with my best friend because of a previous commitment. Not an hour after that my friend surprised me by coming to see me at BCM. Not only had she come to visit, she planned a surprise party with some of my closest friends. While eating sushi sitting a birthday dinner for myself I took a look around the table. These are my people. The people at that table, they are going to be the ones that go through everything with me, graduating college and my first "big kid" job. These are the people that will stand beside me on my wedding day and waiting in the hospital at 2am for the birth of my children. These are the people that are also going to become "boring" with me. One day we will be discussing retirement plans and grandchildren. I was filled with joy to know that life is changing, but that's okay because I get the privilege of doing life and being boring with the most amazing people I have ever met.

After our sushi "family dinner", my best friend and I went to Dairy Queen to grab some dessert. I noticed that she had a budget binder. I looked at her and said, "You know what this means? We're  officially boring now." We both laughed because we knew it was true.

It's 2017 people! I decided to write down some of my goals, my word, and my Bible verse for this year. My word for 2017 is s e l f l e s s. Deep love has always been something that I thought was very important, but I've learned that all love is is putting others first. We find the true definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. "Love is patient, love is kind..." and so on. I've noticed that I'm not very selfless and if that's what it means to love deeply then I need to work on it with the help of my Lord. Which leads to my verse of the year which is Philippians 2:3

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourself."

Next is some of my goals for this year...

leave the country
go somewhere in the united states that I've never been
have a 4.0 in school by the end of this semester
hike more
read more
save up for a van to renovate
hold my tongue more
blog more
take more pictures
get a job I actually enjoy

I make these goals to have vision. I don't like going through semesters or years without some kind of goal. I am so excited for this year. So many things are going to be new and different and that makes me really happy.

2016 has quickly come to a close. It has been a wild year for me. A year of new sights, new trials, new lessons, new friends, new firsts and new adventures. The Lord has been chipping away at me in new ways. He is breaking me, molding me, and little by little making me into something different. Something that is more like Him.

This year started off with a bang of newness. I was a second semester college freshmen still getting used to the new sights and sounds of college. I fell in love with school and with the baptist ministry on campus. I made new friends quickly and it wasn't long before I was in a discipleship with one of them; which helped in my spiritual growth tremendously.



I attended my first ever Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. I sat on top of roofs. I hiked. I was accepted to ACMNP. I found a church to go to. I worked in fast food. I flew for the first time. I saw crazy deep snow for the first time. I traveled by myself for the first time.

This summer I worked in Yellowstone with ACMNP and that was the hardest thing I've ever done. The Lord pushed me everyday outside of my comfort zone. He broke me down to build me up again. I grew so much during this time. This summer is also when I met Rachel, who is now one of my closest friends.

I went spelunking. I saw a wolf for the first time. I swam in a river and cliff jumped. I saw the badlands. I visited Chicago. I rode on a train for the first time.

This fall semester at school has been a different experience as well. I didn't have an actual job this semester due to lots of different circumstances so I lived off of my savings. It was difficult to budget without income constantly coming in. It was a great semester though. I had more time to focus on school and my other responsibilities. I also obtained two new roommates this past semester. I couldn't be happier with both of them. I ended the semester on a high note by passing my final math class ever!

This year was hard. This year was joyful. This year was a time of growing, and learning, and failing, and falling, but mostly growing. I am hoping for the Lord to work in the same big ways He always does next year.

During my time in Yellowstone I met two southern belles from North Carolina. After realizing that all three of us had a lot in common we started hanging out after our shifts at work. Quickly we were stargazing past midnight and eating ice cream straight from the tub while discussing life.